Yo mamma is so dirty she took a shower and lost thirty pounds.
This lady approches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say , 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaimes, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
One day, a busload of select choir members fell off a cliff, and everyone was killed. It was a trajedy; two seats were empty.
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there!
A young couple, expecting their first child, were given the opportunity to participate in an experiment. Their doctor had invented a machine which would transfer some of the pain of labor to the father. They both happily agreed.
When the big day came, the doctor set the transfer rate to 10% initially, thinking that was probably as much pain as the husband had ever been exposed to.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine so the rate was increased to 20%, then 40%, and eventually all the way up to 100%.
The mother's labor was a breeze. The husband came through with no problems at all, and they were delivered of a healthy baby boy.
Everyone was ecstatic that the experiment went so well, and the happy parents soon went home to find the mailman dead on their porch.
There are three men sitting at a diner and they all noticed a man that looks like Jesus and so the first man tells the waitress give that man a meal on my tab.
Then the second man spoke up and said well give the man a dessert and put it on my tab.
Well, the third guy didn't want to feel stupid and not get the guy anything so he says well get the man a drink and put it on my tab.
So the waitress does.
The man that looks like Jesus gets up and walks over to the three men and touches the first guys back and says thank you my son, and the guys face brighten and he was like "Oh my god, my back, my back doesn't hurt anymore!"
Then the man that looked like Jesus touches the second guy on the shoulder and the guy said "My arm, my arm, the pain in my arm isn't there anymore!!"
The man that looks like Jesus goes the touch the third man and the MAN JUMPED up and yelled "DONT TOUCH ME I AM ON FULL DISABILITY!!"
A Canadian and an American are walking through the woods and the American falls.
As he is getting up, he sees this big brown thing in his path.
He shouts, "What the hell is that?"
"It's a moose."
"If that's a moose, I'd hate to see the rats."
THE VIKING AND THE PACKER:
There's a guy from Minneapolis (Viking fan) driving from Minneapolis to Green Bay, and a guy from Green Bay (Packer fan) driving from Green Bay to Minneapolis (why to Minneapolis, I do not know).
In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Viking manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Packer scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Packer walks over to the Viking and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals."
The Viking thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Packer pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Viking, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship."
The Viking says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Viking hands it back to the Packer and says, "Your turn!"
The Packer twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."