Jokes In General | Poetry | Silly Lists | Contact Info | Guestbook
Yo mamma is so dirty she took a shower and lost thirty pounds. This lady approches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say , 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her femaleparrots to the priests house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaimes, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" One day, a busload of select choir members fell off a cliff, and everyone was killed. It was a trajedy; two seats were empty. Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there! A young couple, expecting their first child, were given the opportunity to participate in an experiment. Their doctor had invented a machine which would transfer some of the pain of labour to the father. They both happily agreed. When the big day came, the doctor set the transfer rate to 10% initially, thinking that was probably as much pain as the husband had ever been exposed to. As the labour progressed, the husband felt fine so the rate was increased to 20%, then 40%, and eventually all the way up to 100%. The mother's labour was a breeze. The husband came through with no problems at all, and they were delivered of a healthy baby boy. Everyone was ecstatic that the experiment went so well, and the happy parents soon went home to find the mailman dead on their porch. There are three men sitting at a diner and they all noticed a man that looks like Jesus and so the first man tells the waitress give that man a meal on my tab, so the second man spoke up and said well give the man a dessert and put it on my tab. Well, the third guy didn't want to feel stupid and not get the guy anything so he says well get the man a drink and put it on my tab. So the waitress does. The man that looks like Jesus gets up and walks over to the three men and touches the first guys back and says thank you my son, and the guys face brighten and he was like "Oh my god, my back, my back doesn't hurt anymore!" Then the man that looked like Jesus touches the second guy on the shoulder and the guy said "My arm, my arm, the pain in my arm isn't there anymore!!" The man that looks like Jesus goes the touch the third man and the MAN JUMPED up and yelled "DONT TOUCH ME I AM ON FULL DISABILITY!!" A Canadian and an American are walking through the woods and the American falls. As he is getting up, he sees this big brown thing in his path. He shouts, "What the hell is that?" "It's a moose." "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see the rats." THE VIKING AND THE PACKER: There's a guy from Minneapolis (Viking fan) driving from Minneapolis to Green Bay, and a guy from Green Bay (Packer fan) driving from Green Bay to Minneapolis (why to Minneapolis, I do not know). In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Viking manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Packer scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Packer walks over to the Viking and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." The Viking thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends." The Packer pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Viking, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Viking says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Viking hands it back to the Packer and says, "Your turn!" The Packer twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
A poem By Edgar Allen Powe Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weghed my options. These three seememd to be the top ones. Clearly I must now adopt oneS Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a keyS But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I tried to catch the chips off-guardS I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desparation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantationS Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh noSmy database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your dataSNevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes. Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivitySwell, I fear it has gone straight to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tellS Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". A Poem By A. Nonymous I hate this Damned machine, I wish I could sell it. It never does quite what I want, But only what I tell it.
39 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID: A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour the water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's cloged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most. A few olives short of a martini. Swinging a stringless tennis racket. A few sailors short of a full boat. Person's as successful as a blonde in Med. School. ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES: -Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers -Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted -Farmer Bill Dies in House -Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? -Stud Tires Out -Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands -Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms -Eye Drops off Shelf -Teacher Strikes Idle Kids -Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead -Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim -Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 -Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax -Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told -Miners Refuse to Work after Death -Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -Stolen Painting Found by Tree -Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies -Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years -Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 -'84 War Dims Hope for Peace -If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While -Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures -Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide -Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge -Deer Kill 17,000 -Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead -Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge -New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group -Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft -Kids Make Nutritious Snacks -Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy -Arson Suspect is Held in MassachusettsFire -British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply -Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood -Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees -Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half -New Vaccine May Contain Rabies -Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing -Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing -Air Head Fired -Steals Clock, Faces Time -Prosecuter Releases Probe into Undersheriff -Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni -Bank Drive-in Window Bloced by Board -Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors -Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction -Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training -Include your children when Baking Cookies
berniematt AT wireframetech DOT net
If you have a comment, see a mistake, or would like to have a joke put on my page, email me at the above address.
Back To The Top
Sign My Guestbook
View My Guestbook